Haunted

I'm being haunted by thoughts of this 20 year reunion and by these dreams I have been having of Karie. It looms like a big black cloud. And Karie, well I just can't save her. I keep trying, in different ways each time, but she keeps choosing to stay. The dreams are a leading factor in why I have been having trouble sleeping. Well that and D being on call and his cell phone ringing in the middle of the night and the wee hours every night. Sheesh. Worst on-call week ever.

20 years. Wow. Seems like an entire lifetime ago that I walked out of the school doors and into the world for the final time. Yet, like a blink of an eye. So here it comes. Well, maybe. Seems that no one is really planning anything. The person who did almost all the work on the ten year does not want to be stuck doing all the work for the 20. So I volunteered to help. As much as I can, anyway, living in a different country and all. So party, or no party, it still looms. It's out there.... making me feel old. Flooding my brain with memories of dreams, hopes and aspirations unfulfilled. Showing me how that girl back then and I have very little in common now. She was limited by so much. She had no faith in herself. So insecure. She beleived herself unworthy of love, and incapable of love. She beleived she would never find someone who would love her. She didnt want kids. Here I am. Confident, self assured. Loved and loving. Worthy and capable of all He is willing to give. Blessed. Sickingly happily married with 4 kids. Still learning, laughing and loving life daily. Yup, not a lot in common. Guess 20 years isn't so bad. Maybe I am not so old.

And, the dreams. Haunted? Not by a ghost. But, by my own feelings of guilt. I know, logically, that Karie's death was not my choice. I did try to reconnect with her. I could feel her, ya know? Like... she was crying out and somehow, I could sense her and her need for a true friend. I tried to reach her. She held back. She always did when she needed help the most. But, I can't stop these feelings of, if only I had tried harder. If only I had pushed a little. I was so worried at the time, when I was trying to reconnect, that if I was too pushy, I would come across as needy or annoying and she would just shut me out. Little did I know, that she kept me at a distance, cuz she was in real trouble. If only I had tried harder. We used to be so close. And we had always kept in touch, but Karie kept me at a distance. Small talk and reminiscing. Did I do and say all I could have to let her know that I was here for her? That all she had to do was let me in, even a little and I would be a solice for her. I could feel her. But I could not save her. Now she is gone and all I really want is to tell her how much I care. So, I dream. I dream that I can save her. I dream that she lets me try. But in the end, they are all the same. She chooses not to let me help her. And I awaken with that same feeling. The one where I feel so helpless to help my friend. And now she is gone and its too late. It was her choice, but I can't stop putting some of the blame on myself. If only.....