Vulnerability.
Definitely not something I am good at. I don't let most people see what is really inside. I have a hard time trusting both myself and others with my most tender self. I hope that those who are in my inner most circle can say that I let them see all of me. But, I know that they will probably also agree that its only some of the time. I recently told someone that I hide my vulnerability behind a veil of sarcasm. That is probably not 100% accurate either. More like behind a veil of sarcastic optimism.
Never let 'em see you cry.
Like most, I have ridden the roller coaster of life. Sometimes with my eyes wide open and hands in the air. Sometimes, screaming and holding on for dear life. Sometimes, with my face buried in a 'barf bag'. Most of the time, though, I am holding on tightly and cheering through my gritted teeth. I'm not scared of the ride. All the ups and downs, well, without, there is no life. But, mostly it's an issue of trying to stay in control. Can't be weak. Don't allow the vulnerability to show.
In the time leading up to the separation and eventual divorce of Josh and Lexi's father, I did pretty much everything possible to keep the world from seeing my pain. I veiled my loneliness by making sure I was never alone for long. I hid my hurting behind a very busy lifestyle. I kept a smile on my face, and even my husband didn't see the downward spiral. Hell, I didn't see the downward spiral. All in the name of keeping appearances. All covered in a healthy dose of denial.
I'm fine thanks, and how are you you?
When the darkest day came, the day when I was lowest, I didn't know how to reach out anymore. It was Easter weekend. We had dinner plans with friends. I spent all morning writing. I journalled, I wrote some poems. It was all I knew how to do to deal with the darkness. Then got dressed, put on my smile and off to dinner we went.
Where is that girl, they once knew?
Eventually, I found some strength to fight with. Not much. But enough to start clawing my way back out of the chasm. I had to learn how to live life again. I had to learn to love, trust and give of myself again. I had to learn to be vulnerable. Ummm... Still working on that one. Probably always will.
Today, I sit here a very content woman. I am also more open than I have ever been. I am thankful for the friends and family who have stood by me. I am thankful for those who have more recently come into my life. I am thankful for my blog, where I can 'air out the cobwebs of my mind'. I am thankful for others who share their joys, lives and vulnerability via their blogs for they inspire and encourage.
Please take a few minutes to read this post of Cari's. Probably the most vulnerable and beautifully written thing I have ever read. Thank you for sharing Carolyn.
6 comments:
It's funny you know that so many of us experiance similar things, have similar fears and insecurities, and similar struggles, yet we still feel the need to hide it all away and face the world with a brave face, like nothing is worng. As if to admit to all these things makes us less of a person as if it changes who we are. I completely understand where your coming from, I've been there. Not the exact same situation but the hiding of me deep inside. I found some old poetry of mine and was shocked how obvious it was that I was deep in darkness, but didn't see the extent of it even myself. When I finally revealed to people my struggles they were shocked, even those closest to me. I know I havn't known you all that long but what I've seen is a beautiful person. I'm so glad you can open up and share now!!
HOLY CRAP Muck!!!
Nice start!
I'm proud of you.
I have alwasy seen all the stuff that you hide. And the many ways you hide. It's nice to see you come out in this post and make yourself vulnerable. I know how scary it is for you.
So I am so pleased that you were able to!!!
WAY TO GO!!!!
It is wonderful to find you here in the blogosphere and to get to know you once again. It strikes me how God brings together people who share similar experiences and how when we share we find healing. How satan would love for us to hide our pain, but God wants to reveal it for His glory. We need to be willing to be vulnerable.
Yeah I tend to hide too. Those that know me the most though have been calling me on things.
Darn masks and stuff.
Thanks for being real. Vulnerable. I too have enjoyed getting to know you through all the postings and it was great to meet you at Liz's party.
Thank God that He has brought so many people together to help one another with their situations.
Shari, that was awesome. I could relate to aLOT of what you wrote. I love the 'barf bag' analogy especially! LOL
Keep posting, I love reading your blog!
hugs, nikki
Thanks to all of you for your kind and encouraging words.
~Michelle~ I think you are beautiful, and am very grateful we have had this forum for getting to know one another better. Would love to read some of your poetry.
~Kristi~ What can I say? You are one of the few who really know me. I love you.
~Sue~ I'm glad to have found you through blogland as well. Lets do coffee sometime!
~Misty~ Was great to meet you at Liz's. It's totally amazing, how God brings together people who can support each other like this.
~Nikki~ Thanks for reading and commenting. I am enjoying getting to know you through your blog and comments. Next time we are at the same place at the same time, we will definitely have to actually talk! hehe
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