Torn

Last night Lexi came home after being at Travis’ for a week, being big sister to Taylor while their parents were away for the week. She had to cook, clean and be Taylor's taxi to school and dance. Lexi seemed to have enjoyed the experience.

I was so happy to see her walk in the door. The moment of any of my children walking in after an absence of more than a day or two always makes my heart sing. So as Lexi talked about her week and we hugged, she handed me, in complete, the money we lent her to get her truck. Her plan had been to find work and stay at home with us until she paid us back and then move up to her Dad’s to start school.

So she hands me money and says, “Here, all $XXX”. She explained the hows and whys of how she came into this money (totally legit for anyone questioning) and the reality of it hit me. My heart’s song stopped… more like crashed. My first baby girl is preparing to move out. Not tomorrow, because she wants to find work first, but, still… one more out of the nest. I couldn’t help myself and started crying. Lexi hugged me tight and then started chatting with Carla. Leaving me to ponder.

My heart is so torn. Proud to see my young adult children spreading their wings, learning to fly. Sad to see the last remnants of childhood be shaken off. They don’t need me anymore. Josh has been learning to fly for awhile now. And even though he was pushed out more than stepping out on his own, he has gotten himself off the ground and has started to fly further and further from the nest. Lexi is more of a leap off the nest and see whether or not the wings will work without testing them first. Right now, she is standing on the edge ready to jump. Oh sure, her first flight is from my nest to her dad’s but it’s a first flight none the less. Samm is less than a year away from registering for driver's ed and getting her permit.

I had a restless dream last night filled with images of loss and change.

This morning I turn on my computer, and sign in to Facebook to see that Lexi had posted something on my wall… “God couldn’t be everywhere, so he made mothers.”
A thoughtful posting, from a young woman to her mother. Made my heart sing again….