Some years back, when my life was in turmoil, I dropped out of my ministries at my church. It was one of the harder decisions I made, as my ministries were of the few good things in my life at the time. But, I had to do what I had to do. I had to take time to be ok before trying to be a leader. And boy was I not ok. I was hurting so deep, that not even I knew how deep I had spiraled.
Now, years later, there has been healing and faith restoration. Yet, I am struggling with something. The drama leader at my church is moving to another state, leaving open her position. She had suggested that I consider taking over. After all, I have lead a drama team before and I have the passion for this ministry. But, the thought of it makes me feel unworthy, like I just don't measure up. I found myself saying, "well, our church was smaller and the team was much smaller." My heart is being tugged, but at the same time I feel ill-prepared.
Partly, I still feel the sting of past hurts. Even as I long to be a part of a church family, and to use my gifts, I'm holding back, sheilding my heart. If you have never served in a church where the community is truly connected like family, then it is hard to understand. But I have. I long to be a part of God's family like that again. But I still can't trust. I can't trust other people enough to give myself into that community that I miss so much. I keep expecting to be let down, rejected and judged. When one of my pastors offer me kind or encouraging words, I think, "he has to say that, it's his job". When I bump into a member from my church while running errands in town, I wonder what he/she really thinks of me behind the smile and greetings. The thing is that humans, Christians or otherwise, are human. We hurt one another. We let one another down. We make mistakes. I have learned to trust individuals again. So why do I struggle with groups of them? It's not just at church either. Its pretty much everything and everyone outside my family and friends. I just can't let go of my walls. I hate the walls. Walls are not the safehold they were intended to be. They are a prison, preventing me from living and loving with the passion I once posessed.
When is enough, enough? Why can't I leave this burden at God's feet? I have tried, but I keep taking it back again. I don't want it anymore. I want to nail it the cross with a hundred nails. Thousands, if I have to. I want to be free.
13 comments:
Yup, I agree, "Damn the walls". Sorry, no huge words of wisdom here, just support and understaning!! I've spent years and years behind walls. Some I've managed to chip away at, others have come tumbling down with God's help. I always find though that over time somehow I've rebuilt my walls without even realizing it, all of a sudden there it(or they) are!! OH CRAP!! Then I have to consciously begin breaking walls again. I always think I've given things to God, and I mean to, I really do!, but they keep popping up again. Then I feel bad, like I'm not a "good enough christian" because I can't seem to trust God on these issues. Anyways that's a whole different topic. What I've found has helped me lately is small steps, one brick at a time.
And for what it's worth I think you would do a fantastic job as drama leader at your church and your current drama leader must think so too if she's asked you to take over!!
go out on limb shari! risk it! i bet you'll love it!
I know that you would be an awesome drama team leader. Use the gift that God has given you, you play to an audience of one. It brings glory to Him. Damn the walls and damn the critics too!
Yep Damn them all.
I find that over and over again I keep rebuilding the walls. I have had help breaking them away but then it takes one little instance for me to grab those bricks again and rebuild. However, when I rebuild the damaged walls it almost feels like they just won't go back together as strong and as sturdy.
God obviously gave you a wonderful talent and I think, even though I don't know you personally, that you would do an awesome job. Did you maybe wonder if this is a God thing? That God has transferred the other lady so that He can start you using the gifts you were given?
I understand about the trust thing. It is a big one for me. Yesterday was tough for me and when I was asked "you didn't pray before you left did you?" I answered no. Then I stopped to pray and it was almost an instant transformation. I felt lighter and the crying stopped. I gave it to Him. We got rid of it together.
Good luck Shari and talk to God about it. He will guide your heart, looks like He already has though.
Thank you all, for your encouragement. It looks like they filled the position already, although I did tell them to keep me in mind, should the need arise.
After much thought and prayer, I am feeling like this happened to open my eyes, more than to move me into that leadership role. Those walls will come down, and it took this for me to realize how big those walls had become. I'm going to start with small steps. First things first, letting people in. It's unusual for me to talk about my feelings. I hate being vulnerable, so the fact that I even posted this, and havent deleted it is a tiny little step. Just a wee one. =) But a step none the less.
Thanks again. ((((Hugs)))) to you all.
All this talk about small steps reminded me of a movie. Anybody else seen "What about Bob?"
"Baby steps to 4'o clock, baby steps to 4'o clock, baby steps to 4'o clock"
Funny movie.
LOL... love it...
thank you too for sharing Shari. It is a step coming out of comfort zones. It's all about baby steps. Good job taking this one!! and good luck with all htose to follow.
well Muck.
I would have to say you have not dealt with all your crap yet.
People judge. Its human nature. No matter what their position or profession is. On some level they judge.
You, as a human, have found it hard to take, cause you yourself haven't totally accepted or dealt with the crap yu figure they would be judging you on.
holy run-on sentence!!
This is a Muck thing. Not a God thing. he's given you the eyes in which to see. When you are ready he will give the strength you'll need to deal and accept.
Look at the yuck Muck. Get used to it. Think about it, live it, judge it. The rest will come. and you'll easily be able to do what you love to do.
Putting this in your lap was God's way of saying, "Hey lady! there's still more. Get to It!!"
Don't be afraid. Like Allen said, be real. Live real. Say waht you mean and mean what you say.
The ministry will find you again........
I promise!!
oh yes. I forgot something.......
now as you know I'm a terribly judgy person. Not one of my greater qualities.
Anyhow, I believe i am one of the few people that see you TRULY for all that you are.
Now i happen to love you so much it hurts sometimes. I also happen to think you are a pretty darn special girl!!!
And I accept you!
I hope that counts for something.
Screw anyone that can't!
You rock Kristi!!! Love ya back!!
So been thinking on this a lot and even faced a few of these demons the other night while revisiting a place from my past with people from my past, and I have to say is, "screw em!" The past is the past, and I have let go of most of it, and am TOTALLY ready to shake off the rest.
Thank you all for listening and being encouraging.
You are so awesome and I'm so proud of you and how far you've come. I love you lots and lots!!!
It was great to see you!!
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