To blog or not to blog

I've been considering taking a break from blogging. I'm not really getting anything from it. I don't really seem to have much of substance to say. It's gotten quite boring, really (in my best Simon Cowell imitation).

Then, this afternoon, I sat down and cruised through some of my friends blogs. I am reminded that there is more to this blog thing than ranting, whining and superficial discussions of pop culture (although those are sometimes fun, I admit). I see some people sharing the real truth of their hearts. I see them working through their stuff. I see beyond the blog and into the real person behind it.

I wish we all had been blogging, 7/8 years ago, when my world started to crumble and my marriage was falling apart. I wish I could have been real with my friends about what was really going on with me instead of smiling and talking about superficial things so as not to let them see the real me. I wish I had had the courage to talk about the pain of depression, desperation and loneliness I felt during that time.

Instead, I walked away from everything. I walked away from the part-time job that I loved, because I didn't want those in my office whom I loved and looked up to to see how broken I was. I mumbled something about needing a break while I worked out my stuff. I should have asked them for help. I let them down and myself down that day that I left.

I walked away from my marriage, because in order to make it better I would have had to admit how much pain it was causing me. That would have exposed not only my pain but my weaknesses and bad choices as well. So instead, I continued to self destruct. I turned more inward. I built more walls to keep everyone out.

I walked away from friendships, because if I was honest withmy friends, and vulnerable with them, they might tell me what I needed to hear, or they might hurt me. Either way, I was scared to death of being vulnerable and even more of letting someone see it. There were some who heard stories and rumors about me and I was so into retreat mode, that I never even tried to tell the truth. I never gave them a chance to love me through it.

I walked away from my church, because whenever I tried to worship there, I was exposed. The tears would flow. God wouldn't let me hide what I was so good at hiding from everyone else. There were people there who hurt me. There were people there who I had hurt. It became so painful that stopped going.

I got so good at keeping everyone away that I ended up very much alone, save for one or two that I didn't push out of my life. Every bad choice I made hurt me more, and made me retreat into myself more. In the end, by the time I was finally ready to get real, I had no church, a crappy job, an even crappier car, an ex husband, two hurting kids and only 3 friends to be real with (one of whom is now my husband). Through it all, I knew God was there for me. He didn't smite me or forsake me, but to turn to him was to allow myself to be 100% vulnerable. And that was what I was most scared of.

It took a long time to start tearing down my walls, and let people in. It took a long time to be ok with being vulnerable. Although in my most honest moments, I will still confess that I hate being vulnerable and it is often easier just to deny my feelings. So now I have come full circle and say once again, I wish we had these blogs back then. Maybe then, I would have had the courage to be real and vulnerable, like I see many of my friends doing now.

I love you, my friends. Blog on!