Excuse me, but I don't wanna go!!

While recently talking with some friends, I had an epiphany. It's been a long time. I'm not going to share what the epiphany was, as it is irrelevant. But it did get me to thinking about something I want to share.

I spent the first 5/6 years of Josh and Lexi's lives as a stay-at-home mom. I loved it, and felt limited by it at the same time. Eventually, I found activities to get involved in that didn't center around the feeding, laundering, care and clean-up of my home and my children. Then I started volunteering part-time at my church's office. Had a great boss. He was less of a boss and more of an inspirer and cheerleader. That job probably saved my life, figuratively speaking, because although I had many friends, and a few activities, I was incredibly lonely. I did not feel valuable to society. I didn't even really feel valued at home. ((I wasn't what you would call a "Susie-homemaker" type.)) Oh, sure, on an intellectual level, I knew that raising children is far more valuable to society than most of the paying jobs I have had through the years. But, inside I ached for a purpose beyond wife and mom. My two days a week 'job' at the church gave me that. Suddenly, there was more to talk about than just what the kids did that day.

Eventually, the loneliness crept back in. The lack on intimacy in my marriage, the loss of a dream, the hours spent picking myself apart until there was nothing left but a pile of ick on the floor, these all contributed to the ensuing depression. I didn't see it coming. I was more than a little blind sided by it.

I floundered.

I spun.

I was sucked under.

I buried my head in the barf bag of life's roller coaster.

I let go of hope....

I'm not exactly sure when things started to change. Maybe it was the end of my marriage that forced me to get my head out of my butt and fight. Maybe it was the prayers of the few who didn't judge and condemn me during those darkest days.
All I know, is that the fight back to 'okay' wasn't easy. Particularly because I didn't really know what I was fighting against, at the time. It's funny how when you look backwards, things are so much clearer. Maybe its because the "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear." Maybe I just had to learn.

Fast forward
The last couple of years, I have been a stay-at-home-mom again. Like before, it's been lonely. But, for different reasons this time. I didn't know anybody in this town when we moved here. I was isolated from my friends and family. I found that I have nothing to talk with Darin about when he gets home, except what the kids did and said that day. I was starting to feel that same restlessness that was a precursor to depression all those years ago. Only, this time, I recognized the signs. This time, I am talking about it. I just need to connect with others. I need some friends who I can have pop over for coffee, go shopping with, go for a walk with, have a deep conversation, or just be in the company of.

Funny thing, though. Apparently, you can't meet people and make new friends when you never leave your house. Who knew???

About a month ago, I woke up at 6:00am rather suddenly like with the words, "today you will go to the Coffee and Conversation at church," swirling around in my head.

Uh... ok.

Not so used to voices in my head telling me what to do like that. So I lingered in bed a little longer, but eventually got up. Darin had left for work a little early that day, which left me with access to the bathroom before Vicki and Sammi were up. I showered, did my hair and makeup and got dressed. I drank a couple cups of coffee and developed a headache. Oops... can't go now, I guess. But, as I waved good-bye to Sammi as she climbed onto the school bus, I noticed that my headache was gone. Hmmm. Vicki was still eating, and had made a big ole mess. Guess I can't go now, she has to finish and bathe. But, she was done in a couple minutes and didn't seem to want to stay in the tub once she was clean. So hmmm... 9:10am... and I am out of excuses. So off I went.

Since when am I afraid of meeting new people?
Since I haven't done anything like this in a very long time!! I was so nervous! It turned out that I knew someone there from drama, and sat with her. I was too nervous to eat any of the lovely breakfast foods they had. Then they put a mic in my face to introduce myself, as they do to all the new people each week. Funny, how I can act on stage and on video but give me a mic and ask me to talk about me... AAAAAHHHHHH!! Then they had an open mic time where people shared what was on their hearts and minds. We talked, we prayed, we laughed and I left there feeling revived. OMGosh!! How I have missed connecting spiritually with my Christian sisters.

Each week that I have gone, I feel like I have shared in something special. These ladies are just so open and real. AND CRAZY. I love them!!!

It was no coincidence that I awoke early that day. It is no accident that I feel at home there. My heart was crying out. God whispered back.

This isn't the first time God has spoke into my life, and I am sure it won't be the last.

Wooooo.... look at me go.....